The Ides of Moths
dreaming dead
I'll be trying to update more frequently, but I've been doing this thing where I start up a new story and write several pages and then start another one and another one and don't quite finish any of them. One of those things is the third part of Zen Noir which I know no one is waiting for with baited breath. In fact, you're not even reading this blog right now! I've realized my site traffic has gone down quite a bit, down to the point where people actually read it and then immediately get a leave of absence, sell their homes or sublease their apartments, put all their belongings in their car and drive to the google server farm building where all the blogspot blogs are hosted and set up camp in shanty towns to protest the existence of my blog. Finally, after many months of this, some google employee will finally break down and just to get these guys to leave, will go into the servers and remove a bunch of pageviews from my stats, so that these protesters can retroactively claim that they never visited the sight, and the google employees do this not because they were actually protesting effectively, but because their families sent heartbreaking letters to google about how terrible it is for their kids to grow up without a Dad just because he's out protesting that some random blog really sucks. But the joke is on google, because the protesters actually forged these letters and really have no loved ones or dependents or pets or even stray cats that they run into every once in a while and pat on the head and say, "Well, you're a pretty little kitty, yes you are yes you are, isn't you?! Meow, meow meow!!" So in short, my reputation is being ruined by people who stray cats don't even give a shit about, this much is clear. So if you are reading this blog you are likely a friend to stray cats everywhere and I'm not yet sure how to put this important demographic information to use. I will ask the next stray cat I meet. Seriously. I'm actually going to ask the next cat I see this question in English and then look incredibly disappointed when it just meows or walks in a circle or whatever. Seriously (I am actually going to do this in case it wasn't totally clear).
Sir, I am the legal representative for the Local Union of Stray Cats #919. Consider this my formal demand to you to cease and desist in all manner of contact with any of our union members in zip code 78705. There have been numerous reports of you badgering my clients about your blog. Sir, these clients of mine have neither a home nor Internet access and have not the slightest interest in your ramblings.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Tom Katt, Esq.
Awww, lookit him typingses on his widdle keyboardses!! Isn't he a special weshul little kittums! Yes he is! ...is what I'd say if I didn't know for a fact that you're a human. You think I'm too stupid to realize that, jerkwad? First off, I'll give you a little credit and just pretend like we all didn't already know that cats hate messing around with legal matters. Well now, if you're really a stray cat then, as you point out yourself, how did you get internet access in order to post this comment?? Thought that would get past me, huh? Who do you take me for? A common dolt?
ReplyDeleteWhat's more, even if you were an especially wily and clever cat you still wouldn't even be able to log on to a public library computer terminal because, NEWSFLASH, they don't issue library cards to cats, DUH. In fact, they DON'T EVEN ALLOW cats in the library, seeing eye dogs are the only ones who get the go ahead, cats are turned away ON SIGHT. Besides, cats don't have pockets to carry library cards around anyway. And the likelihood that you're some kind of stray cat who can pose as a seeing eye dog to gain access to the library and then hack a computer terminal to get online and complain about my blog is... uh let me see here... let me just compute the probability here... virtually nil. VIRTUALLY NIL. 0.0000000% chance. IMPOSSIBLE. Are you with me, compadre?
So don't think you can bullshit me, human. And, oh yeah, great pun on your name there Mr. Tom Katt, must have taken you ages to come up with that one, oh look, it's a "k" instead of a "c" and then an extra "t" at the end... real cute, real original, why don't you get a life and stop pretending to be a cat on my serious website about serious issues happening in the world today, like what it would be like to smoke a spliff with a dolphin afterhours at a marine biologist convention (see http://absurdsense.blogspot.com/2011/03/some-bullshit-about-dolphins-i-guess-or.html). Here at absurdsense we take a certain pride in providing relevant statistics and analysis of such situations so that my reader (me) can stay informed about these important matters, as any TRUE CITIZEN OF THE WORLD should be.
But thanks for your comment...
NOT.
Sir, your response was forwarded to me by the Union legal counsel, Mr. Tom Katt. I am the interpreter used by the majority of the members in the Union. My credentials include expertise in Spanish, Italian, Mandarin, and Cat-on-ese. In the future, should you desire to discuss matters with any of our members, kindly contact me to join in the discussion in order to overcome the obvious language barrier.
ReplyDeleteYours Truly,
Mei-Ow-Chou
The previous arguments are all still applicable and do not need to be restated.
ReplyDelete