7 Crazy Amazing Tips To Really Get Your War On! (That They Don't Want You to Know!!)

1. Have fun with your war! Sure, we all know that war is amazingly profitable and an excellent diversionary political tactic, but war should also be FUN in and of itself, if you're not having fun you might want to ask yourself why you're fighting this war.

2. Think outside the box. Don't limit yourself to the Geneva Convention. Torture isn't torture when it's "indefinite detention." Stretch out yer thinker a little with some fun word games. What sounds kind of like a "mass grave" but isn't quite? I'm not going to tell you, that's part of the fun! Keep your mind sharp while you fight your war.

3. What happens in War stays in War. What is it good for? Umm... Try: Murder? Disappeared Journalists? Rape? Lies? Gross Incompetence? Corpse Urination? Ever heard of "the fog of war" and "concerns about national security"? They're practically get-out-of-jail-free cards (but just for those superior officers who "knew nothing about it," naturally).

Jeeze, once I really thought I was a sadistic mass murdering genocidal psychopath, but my political leaders told me I just came down with a bad case of 'war.' Plus, people suck at geography, so just fight wars in far off places, it's what the pros do.

4. Wars shouldn't be won in a day. War-play needs foreplay. Tease a little before you get into the nitty gritty. Technological weapons have their charms, but they 'get off' too soon, and don't have the same satisfaction as the old ways. Get yourself a vintage cannon, fire it at civvys (that's 'civilians' to those of you not into the lingo yet) if you're worried about the slow reload time. There's nothing like a bit of a nostalgic and ironic callback to get the hipsters into your war.

5. Get Connected. This is not your grandfather's war (or your father's for that matter), this is War 2.0 (and the patch is about to update you to screaming fast, super optimized War 2.0.0.1.1.0).

Repeat after me, "You cannot have a war without a web presence." At least have a nice looking homepage and facebook, and don't forget to register those twitter accounts before they get snapped up by nerds who just want to troll your war! Tweet the first shots in real time, so they really are "heard 'round the world." Don't feel weird about telling your friends to "like" your war.

6. Ditch the politics and ideology. Let's be honest, nobody wants to fight a war these days, even when they know they ought to. The genuinely foolish nationalistic and/or racist sentiments which made for real humdingers of wars in the past are still as strong as ever, but now these tendencies are sublimated in the general population into boredom, impulsive online shopping, pop songs, 'spiritualism,' obsessions with celebrities and abortion, video games, kale, YA books, memes, craft brews, internet addiction, mass shootings, yoga and suicide (Yeesh! Suicide!?! Pu-leeeze... what a turn-off!).

But then again, nobody wants to buy expensive repulsive-smelling aerosol deodorants, go on the paleo diet, or have children... BUT THEY DO. All of these things are as popular as they ever were, because sex, fear and fear that people won't have sex with you, SELLS, period. War is just another product people don't know that they want yet. Sex up your war in the minds of the people with a hot slogan: War. The Pleasure You Want. The Protection You Trust.

Or make a blatantly pro-war military movie or TV series about plucky do-gooder CIA agents starring A) Ben Affleck (bonus if you get him because he'll write the tripe for you as well and win an Oscar for it, no less) B) Matt Damon C) Colin Farrell or D) a Drone. And, what the hell, make Morgan Freeman the president or god (in a revelatory vision on the battlefield twistedly reminiscent of Arjuna's discourse with Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita) or both, he's good at that and people like him.

Or how about make your war the first war that's totally gluten-free. People don't want to have go into combat worrying about their chronic hallucinatory allergies AND whether their actions are an abomination against the almighty creator of the universe.

7. Deny it. Unequivocally.

Use some of the following for inspiration:

I did not have relations with that war.

I am not a [war-]crook.

There are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know... Wow, I was really riffing there for a while, totally forgot the question, ...annnnnd... we're out of time, sorry!

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/donald_rumsfeld.html#qbq3fDFpGG11OA6L.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#SgrsaafX1YG3Ywqb.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#SgrsaafX1YG3Ywqb.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#SgrsaafX1YG3Ywqb.99

Even if people know you did it anyway, you've just struck it rich in the blood mine, that is, Red Gold, American Tea, PTUSD (Post Traumatic United States Dollars), so fuck them! Might isn't right, but it sure can swing a lot of cash your way!

Remember the tale of the ant and the grasshopper. The grasshopper spent the whole summer fighting a war that the ant told him he had to fight and didn't spend any time saving food for winter. The industrious ant hoarded food and supplies and when winter came he rewarded the loyal grasshopper who won the war for him by eating him alive. Then the ant leveraged his superior position in the world to sell weapons, get kickbacks and generally force other ant colonies to do business with him on his terms OR ELSE™ and wisely stored all his wealth in offshore accounts that were also conveniently tax-havens.