AUDIO of absurdsense available NOW -- only 0 payments of $0.00, but wait, there's more! Your Secondary Sex Characteristics are guarateed to GET BIGGER and more well defined if you listen! (This statement has not be evaluated by the National Center for Homeopathy or the FDA.)

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I'm going to start putting up audio of myself, your beloved author and tireless benefactor, reading my entries aloud for the hearing impaired and for those of you who are just too busy to ever let yourself stop doing things and fear relaxation like the tepid embrace of the neon tie-died tentacles of Death himself. Now, while you work yourself into an early grave, you can pop in your ear buds and listen to stupid stories I wrote in my stupid annoying voice. This post contains the very first. I will retroactively update some, if not eventually all old posts with embedded audio and after I do a few I'll update with a post to link you to them, since I know how much you love to hear my voice. I'm a little creeped out by that, honestly, but also a little flattered, and just a smidgen aroused. Cheers.

I'm glad I'm putting so much thought into this because I know that my multitudinous readers and friends, really, I have friends, seriously, I'll prove it to you, just the other day I was on the street collecting cans, muttering about conspiracy theories to myself loudly and someone was walking past me and so I squinted my eyes at them and gave them the finger to ironically greet them and then in response, having understood all this immediately, she also gave me the finger, told me with mock indignation to stop staring at her tits and yelled, "Fuck you, asshole fagot fuck face!" which was undoubtedly code for, "I'd give you my number right now, except for that it would ruin my ironic response to your sarcastic, yet heartfelt greeting and then I could never again look you in the eyes, since I have already gained such great respect for you in the 2 seconds I've known you. I hope we shall meet again one day, I'll never forget you..."

But yeah, the point I was trying to make was that I have friends, tons of 'em, and they all enjoy my incomprehensible multi-levels of reverse-sarcasm and deceptive pseudo-truth telling and no doubt think, as I do, that I am some sort of misunderstood super genius, and secretly worship me as the 1,500,014,002th reincarnation of an inter-universal buddha playboy who has no name or way to identify himself other than by his fresh style and penchant for reckless self-endangerment, which explains the 1,500,014,002 lives which he's gone through in only his first ten years of existence.

 However, no need to fear, since I have consulted with my psychiatrist, my lawyer, my personal chef, my guru, my witchdoctor and my life coach and we've all jointly decided over a couple of lines of primo cocaine and X that I should spend at least a couple years in this incarnation just to get my shit together and think about some long term goals, such as marrying someone I love deeply, siring multiple children by her, then slowly learning to hate her deeply all the while putting on a saccharine grin and cheerfully pouring her more wine evening after evening, reaching between the ersatz electric scented candles and looking lovingly into her eyes whilst thinking about all the terrible things I want to do to the children's underage nanny, then slowly learning to hate the kids as well, have a nasty divorce and get drunk at a bar with "some of the guys" who will then make me feel better about myself, encouraging me to go through with my dreams of having a mid-life crisis and purchase a yacht on layaway, sail it to South America to purchase a beautiful Brazilian manservant surreptitiously at the docks in the dead of night and then sail with him aimlessly on the high seas after pilfering food supplies from a barge and thereafter subsisting entirely on Gluten Free Fair Trade Tarragon Gorgonzola Fire Hot Baked Cheetos for six months, land accidentally somewhere in Finland up past the arctic circle, build an igloo with my manservant, fall madly in love with him, make a life together despite everyone telling us it would never work, adopt a gaggle of pale Finnish youngsters, then repeat the whole process exactly, slow hate/divorce/etc, but fleeing this time by myself via para-sail deep into the Congo, crash into a mountain, nourish myself back to health using indigenous herbal remedies, then search for years until I can find civilization and then a video phone, which should be in wide use by this time, conference call both my old families and my extended family, my friends, including that one girl I met on the street today and the entire nation of the Netherlands (where I currently have somewhat of a celebrity status), and once I'm sure everyone's paying attention, read a few lines of my favorite Family Guy and Talladega Nights quotes and then, defy all the odds by picking up an AK hidden out of camera view, cock it, and fully unload an entire clip of explosive ammunition into my head and torso. It's not an exhaustive plan yet, but those are the major points, a work-in-progress certainly, don't pass your judgment yet, I haven't yet worked out all the kinks.



So yeah, there are going to be casts now of the stuff I've written. Stay tuned for more exclusive programming delivered straight to your synapses and mainlined into your gray matter for no extra charge, anyway reading's just for pussies who can't play football or get laid, duh.