Camping Trip

...and we set up the tents just as the cicadas make their entrance, buzzing like some ziggurat of broken alarm clocks constructed by an overly punctual ancient civilization. As luck would have it, wayward tent poles have claimed three eyes already on this night and they stay skewered on the poles staring back at us accusingly while their owners sit around the fire wistfully recalling the benefits of binocular vision, but cautiously evaluating the admittedly flimsy consolation of finally being able to wear legitimate eye-patches. It is at this point that it occurs to everyone present to construct a harrowing tale wherein the three eyes were lost but nobody has any good ideas. Joe begins to cry, but we are not too worried since the reduced tear flow does not even require the use of a handkerchief, and we all reflect on this additional benefit. Anthony produces his drum machine from a faux-leather case (he's vegan) and break-beats wash over us as we drift to sleep.

Come dawn we discover that bobcats have stolen all the cigarettes and are lazily smoking them about the perimeter of the site, dashing in periodically to light them on the embers of the previous night's fire. Not only that, but bears have snuck in during the night while we slept to draw crude penises all over our faces with permanent markers they bought on sale from the local wal-mart. The park ranger must have noticed this already on his morning patrol, since he has already e-mailed a ticket to all our blackberries/iphones/other pretentiously named electronics. It read as follows:




To: armadillo85@furriesanonymous.com; vegetalover2558@gmail.com; lonewolf7548722217778545875412569854587945875@hotmail.com
From: David.Attenwood@shadygrovestatepark.gov

Notice
You have been found in violation of the following park rules:
1) Giving an animal (or animals) more than two cigarettes in a single day.
2) Not givin' them poor critters a light. 


P. S. :  There is a new glory hole conveniently located in the main park bathroom, leftmost stall.
P. P. S. :  HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 696969xoxoxoxoxo ;)
Earn REAL CASH for NOTHING!
 Revolutionary New Sex Toy Changes life forever! incredible boner says my wife
LIFE--TIME SUPLY OF S3X: DELIVERED w/ Maximum Fastness "TO YOUR ROOSTER," NO QUESTION ASK!!



To distract myself from these less-than-fortuitous events, I deftly switch over to my "Which lolcat Are YOU?" app and ponder each question with great seriousness. This being accomplished I return to reality and compose the first tweet of the day, "in the fucking forest, sweaty hands smear my iphone, internet is sooooo slow!! fml." I then digg the tweet from 13 separate accounts and subsequently tweet all of the diggs and finally cross comment on all the diggs from different accounts just to get things started, and then just a quick glance to check the RSS feed and I'm done... I admit, I can be a little anal/OCD. Anyways, I glance up from the screen for a nanosecond to observe two of the most endangered species on the planet eating some of our old potato chip bags and beer cans and give myself a virtual pat on the back on my "Give yourself a pat on the back" app for remembering to recycle today. I give myself another virtual pat on the back for only spending $29.99 on such a useful app. I ALREADY CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT IT. 

Renaldo and Peter show up over the horizon, Peter says, "Got your tweet, if you are going to be such an EPIC faggot already we're just going to leave now." Renaldo just scowls at me. He was hoping to liveblog the whole event complete with GPS data tags and photographs for all his friends back on the Early Pubic Hair Loss Forum. My head crumples in shame and regret. It will take many grueling hours to regain his trust, and even then, even after sending him countless youtube videos and clever photo-shops, posting both pertinent and inane comments on his facebook wall, even after signing up for several promotions so that he can get that mythical free XBOX 360 he always wanted, even then... I foresee that things shall never be the same between us. Just when things couldn't get any worse, my gf skypes me just bawling, when I finally get her to her senses she just mutters, "tw.. twitter is DOWN, TWITTER IS DOWN! I... I got scared... I thought you might be dead." As we drive off I pump the Vampire Weekend in my earbuds and float off to someplace without this pain, without all this e-sorrow.